fleeting moments in life

hmmm

2006-12-10T21:42:00.000-08:00

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applicationsapplicationsapplications

2006-10-31T19:54:00.000-08:00

applications to grad school is so much worse than undergrad. i'm completely lost and dont know what the hell to do. fine, the application is self-explanatory enough...but there are layers within that i dont understand and need serious help on!! for example...what the hell is a fellowship?!?!? from what i understand, this means that the university gives you a full ride..but i thought that only happens for people studying their phD. but apparrently, this is not the case. one of my friends who is a masters student at ucla said that anyone can get a fellowship...and for that matter, anyone can also be a teaching assistant! WHO do i ask for help on stuff like this!??!?! i have no idea. if possible, i wana spend as little $$ as possible on my grad education..thus TA-ing or getting a fellowship would be super ideal..but how do these things work?!?!?! sobz. i thought for masters, you just take classes like an undergrad....i didnt know you could do stuff with the profs.........

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

@ work

2006-07-07T01:10:00.000-07:00

i'm at work! hee =P so the health promotion board is quite the ideal place for me to work at when i actually graduate. this is public health in its essence - the promotion of health! it is pretty cool to see public health theories being used in real life action, and the campaigns that are going on. so much work, thought and consideration goes into these campaigns...but on the receiving end, you dont even see the hard work being put into it. to make matters worse, it is also difficult to see the impact of public health unless national surveys and statistics are being collected which isnt done very often. but that is public health. =)

hmm..i was actually gona say that i'm writing right now cos i'm bored...but i guess random stuff just occupied my time!! hee =P because it is now 516pm!!! and it's a friday so we get to go hom half an hour earlier!! WOOHOO~ cant wait for 530pm...hahaha

i'm such a slacker. according to dustin, i just wana be a taitai. *grinz* =P

FINALS week

2006-06-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

i'm coming home this sunday!!!! =) but before that, i have to finish up my finals...blehz..how irritating...i HATE the rush after finals even more. the packing in a hurry...thinking about where to leave my stuff..who to take me to the airport...how to say goodbye to friends..arghhh =( oh well. i will just have to deal.

this year is more special because so many of my good friends are graduating..i think i will be lost without them. it will be so different without them. i hope they will still be around LA next year....i shall not say anymore because i will start crying. it is inevitable..i know i will cry before the year is out. haha =P so i shall save my tears for then.

time fliesss..cant believe i'm going home this sunday. i leave this place with my heart sore every year. if not for emilia, i would stay a little longer to ease the pain of going away so soon. but emilia is leaving on the 26th..which gives us a mere 6days of reunion - far from enough for best friends. but i wish suyen and i can have that luxury.

i will be home soon! =) 20th june to be exact. the night of 19th june really. i cant wait to go home! yet i cant bare to leave LA. isnt life an irony?

SEASNET

2006-05-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

hee..i'm sitting in the SEASNET computer lab next to my dear dus-dus. he's being a studious kid! poor him..he's got 2 midterms on tuesday and he has only started studying today....*stressed* we had a BUSY weekend! i have a midterm on tuesday too! i'm screwed cos it's a midterm that's like a final cos there's only 1 midterm and no final for this class....sighz...i've never read for this class before...which is a great BIG mistake. now i'm stuck with ~200pages to finish in less than 2days..... =(

anyways, guess what i did today?!?!?!??!??!!! i RAN ~3.5km....woohooo!! =) it felt super good...now i realized that running on the track isnt as fun as running...basically anywhere else. meaning running on different terrains with changing gradients and scenery. it's more interesting and it keeps my mind off running. BUT the real reason why i ran today was cos it's the annual UCLA RUN/WALK....it's a 5km run..i ran a little more than half before i started walking cos of the incline...however, i started running again after a break. it felt super goooooood! i have no regrets joining! plus it was for a good cause too..it's for the UCLA children's hospital funds. we had to wake up at 6am to get there early too. hee =P there was loads of freebees....hahaha mainly snacks and water so that we wouldnt die of hunger/thirst. i never knew joining a long distance race would be this fun. ooooo...there was a mechanical bull too! cool huh? *grinz* it was a good day today.

now i gotta run cos dustin's standing next to me pressurizing me to leave the lab so that he can go home and study. oh well. byee for now!

disappointing grades

2006-05-11T17:17:00.000-07:00

tears of anger and frustration stung. they barely had a chance to slide down my cheeks before i wiped them with the back of my hand. havent been this disappointed with an exam for the longest time. i dont even remember when the last time was. i thought i grasped the material. i thought i knew what i was doing. i thought i would do fairly well.

below average. that's how i did. this is health services, something that i probably want to do for my masters! how could i do so badly? what happened? why did i screw up so much. is there a chance to redeem myself? i know i got this. i know this is not what i deserve.

but i'm afraid to ask my prof to change the grading systerm. i'm afraid to ask him if there's any extra credit that i can do to give myself at least a fighting chance in this class. =( but i iwll ask tmr because i cant afford to do this badly!!!! sigh.

on a brighter note..i'm going to chinatown this sat for dimsum!! super excited..hahaha *grinz* =P havent had dimsum in awhile...also, i'm thinking of kayaking on sunday.........BUT i'm still peeling from getting sunburnt the other time. i have a paper and a project to do. also, i need to write my personal essay to apply for the public health minor. i probably shouldnt be doing too many activities.......

beach party!!

2006-04-29T17:02:00.000-07:00

i love beach parties!!! =) they're so much funnnnn. today is saturday. CSA had a joint beach party event with ACA (american chinese association) and TAU (taiwanese american union) to further inter-club relations. i had alot of fun with the activities - we played picture scavenger hunt....we had to pose provocatively, become animals, act out a scene from JAWS...blahblahblah i love these games~! one of these days i shall definitely put the pictures up. hahah =P maybe i can learn from pearlyn..she's such a BLOG-WHORE!!! hahaha

anyhow, from today, i realize how much i miss being out in the sun playing/exercising. even though i come back all tired, drained and super SUN BURNT, i still LOVE IT! =) i shall organize these things more often from now on. my face is pink from being burnt...and my shoulders and chest feel raw and itchy =( i'm tanner too.....but now i hafta even it all out~~~ =)

i have decided. next week, i shall go to the pool and have a pool party of sorts. yay~ it shall be a CSA thing.
but now i need to concentrate on my 3 midterms next week!!! i am super determined to do well this quarter. last quarter's downfall is my motivation! my parent's sturggle is even more so my motivation. i dont want to let them down especially when they're working so hard....trying to keep afloat. my mom told me to pray for them...and i will not disappoint them. jia you, my dear family!

my theta life

2006-04-23T15:25:00.000-07:00

so life as a theta active is just as busy as being a pledge.
the difference? no more having to worry about stepping on people's toes.
no more having to worry about bringing so many things to school.
no more obligations.

it's fun to wear letters and parade them in school. to belong somewhere. =)
i'm not sure if all the time, money, effort, tears were worth the letters i am wearing.
the charms, however, is the BEST pledge class ever!!!!!!!!

lastly, without you dustin, i know i could not have crossed.
you are my pillar of support.

i feel freeeeeeeeeeee as a bird!!! =) life is good.

candles and dinner

2006-02-25T21:54:00.000-08:00

ok, so there was no candles. but the dinner was wonderful nonetheless. it was the most perfect dinner i've had in my life.

i came back drained from the DAILY exhuasting dance practices that we've been having. curled up like a worm, i fell sound asleep on his couch with his blankets over me.

i inhaled the warm aroma of beef and spice. it stirred me from my slumber..and made my stomach growl.

my eyes flutter to re-adjust to the light. spread infront of me is a delicious table of food. the main dish: a thick slab of spiced beef on top of a cutting board. the creamy green bean casserole, crisp and tasty broccoli & cauliflower beside it.

he brings out two plates and dims the lights. music envelops the room as we start on the food.

more than just the taste, dinner was perfect. more than anything else, i recognize the effort he put into making me this dinner. why would someone want to do something like that for me? plain - old - boring - me. i dont deserve it. it's too good to be true..

isn't it?

Febuary 14th

2006-02-14T01:12:00.000-08:00

happie valentine's day everyone!! =) i remember that i once celebrated it as international friendship day too. so, to all my TRUE friends, i love you and always have you in my mind even though i may not have talked to you in awhile. but since you're my true friend, i know that when i start talking to you again, everything will be like before. that's how it is with friends. =)

dustin gave me a pot of red and white tulips, and tied to the stalks of the tulips are little note cards that describes reasons for him liking me. haha..it's so sweet...i couldnt help but cry a little..
i know, i'm such an emotional fool. hee =P feelings just overwhelm me sometimes; i feel so lucky to be with him. to be loved by him. sometimes, i feel that i dont deserve such goodness...

in exactly 1 week from now, it'd be our 2nd year anniversary. i dont even have anything prepared yet. i used to be so on top of things...getting ready weeks in advance..but i think we've switched roles..hhahah...now i'm the last minute one.

two whole years. wow =)

the meaning of friendship.

2006-02-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

this is probably the second time in my whole life that i have felt that i have no real friends - this time being far worse than the first seeing as how the first occurred when i was 10.

what are friends? do they come and go easily? do you speak to them on a regular basis? are they people you share opinions with? or is it based on the activities you do together?

i have always regarded CSA people my friends - people who are warm and nice, who will look out for one another. even though as president, i might not be the most well-liked, i thought that on a personal level we would still be friends. but i guess i'm wrong - wishful thinking. even someone i considered as a good friend couldnt reach out a helping hand when i really needed one (literally). you know, what made it worse was that passerbys stopped to help me because they could see that i really needed it. perfect strangers.

what a warm, yet cold world...

early morn inspiration

2006-01-26T06:34:00.000-08:00

so i took a look at URSA this morning...and despite getting all A minuses last quarter, my gpa only rose by a minimal 0.055. this is quite sad..i am only left with 3 more quarter at UCLA and my gpa is such crap. how am i gona get into a good graduate school?!?!! sigh..

theta kappa phi is taking up so much of my time!!!!!!!! and biochem is seriously not an easy major to do well in either. on tuesday, i was catching up with kenny and i realized how well he is doing in school....and upon reflection, it dawned on me that i could be doing really well too...the only difference is that he spends a super amount of time studying..and i dont. simple as that. where does his motivation come from? and where is mine lost?

ohohhh, so in the past weekend, i attended this thing called APC retreat. it's a coalition of most of the asian groups on campus with a political stance thrown in the midst. i had always heard good things about APC, but never actually attended their meetings before to realize how amazing it is! imagine a group of strangers coming together from different asian ethnicities sharing personal experiences in a warm and cozy setting. i would never have thought that it was possible..but it is! people in APC are so nice and welcoming...the atmosphere is wonderfully positive! it was such a good experience...although, some of their more political stuff did get to me at times. but after all is said, i still think APC has accomplished something extraordinary that is rare in a big, busy campus. now i understand the pull of APC and why people take the time out to attend.

ok..so enough blabbering about APC. my life has been consumed by pledging...sometimes i wonder why do i even do it anymore. but then, i remember the feeling of being part of something that is tightly-knitted...the pride that surges through my body when we are talked about. i'm looking forward to performing our dance in the competition, but i simply dont have time to practise the damn dance. hahah..what an irony!

hmm..the dawn is breaking...i've been up since 530..it's nice to wake up early. i hate my sleeping habits. i hate sleeping so much..but i love sleep! wow, i'm an idiot.

what should i do?

2005-12-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

to dp or not to dp? i've been stuck thinking about that question for quite awhile now. i dont want to dp because i'm afraid i might regret it. but i've been so busy that i think if i dp, life will be so much easier!! what should i do? =(

spinning

2005-10-19T00:18:00.000-07:00

hello..no, i'm not a stranger! =P i know i havent written for eternity...hahhaha..everyone's been bugging me to update...so here i am now, on a whim to write something worthwhile.

i'm quite sick. breathing is difficult. horrible fits of cough punctuates my speech. my head is spinning like a new-born whirlpool ready to suck ships into its ominous death. i didnt go to school for the past 2 days already. strangely, no sense of remorse or guilt is running through my stomach. have i finally begun to get accustomed to skipping school? that's not a good sign......i intend to get all As this quarter despite my busy schedule. i've decided to take a break from all the Cs that i've been garnering the past year...lol i'm so embarrassed of myself. i know that it's pathetic to be worried about grades, but the fact is, i still do care about my gpa. see how much singapore has influenced me? i swear though....i'm probably the last person who cares about my gpa. all my friends are so much more conscious about grades than i am..they have this inner goal to do better than the white people or whoever's in their class. it is so terribly trademarkish of singapore babies.

ANYWAYS.....i'm in a sorority right now....i'm pledging theta kappa phi..and my pledge class is called charms!!! =) to tell you the truth, i was apprehensive accepting my bid. i didnt know if i should do it or not...i didnt wana be caught up by the whole fraternity/sorority thing because i have other commitments besides academics. being CSA president is truly taxing. it seeps my energy to try to keep everyone together...and it hurts my feelings that people think i'm not fit to be president. i knew that it would come to this when i accepted the decision that the core made last year....but i was headstrong and i decided to take up the challenge as i had never done before. i wasnt close to the group of people who became the staff of CSA this year...and i didnt expect it to be such a daunting task to try to meld everyone together. i thought i would be able to run CSA without facing the problems of people quitting. call me naive, but i never thought this day would come. but i guess...it has....and it just reflects how badly i've done so far. maybe they are all right...i am not fit to be CSA's president. i dont qualify. i'm not good enough.

ms stupid bunny and mr blue bear

2005-08-31T00:11:00.000-07:00

"they're sooo cUUte!" gushes Natalie. --> my current roommate
"look!! they're holding hands." she exclaims.
"i think they broke up. bunny is throwing her princess tantrums" Natalie says laughingly.

Bunny in Natalie's high-pitched squeal, "i dont like the flying pig because it's pink like me. come here mr blue bear! i say come here right now! i like carrots.."

everyday, at least once, i'll hear Natalie's bunny talk to me or my blue bear. if not, i'll hear Nat herself say...MY BUNNY IS SOO CUUUUTE! you can just imagine me rolling my eyes. but i think i've already rolled them so much, it's just going haywire in my eye sockets. so i end up laughing...cos really, sometimes it's so hilarious. i dont know if i'm laughing at the crazy bunny talking....or crazy nat making it say things like "i have an IQ of 310. mr blue bear has an IQ of 0.4 only. but it's ok..i'm smart enough for the 2 of us."

that's just a bite of how my apartment life has been so far. in between, outbursts of KNNBCCB will spew out of Nat. hahahahah..it's so funny hearing her cuss in hokkien or even in english. she's a funny gal i must say. really cracks me up. *shrug* i duno why. it's different living with singaporeans...we have the same kind of humour. or maybe it's just that Nat and i have good chemistry. =) i still cant get over the "seismic fee" that UCLA is charging us which kevin refuses to pay. it was so funny, i kept laughing at it the next day to dustin's bewilderment. hahaha =P

another trip to ER

2005-08-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

i have always been a healthy kid. so much so that i dont even have a family doctor...my records at the clinic can be untouched for years on end. however, whatever small illnesses that i escape from, they accumulate and come back to haunt me in bigger ways. like my 2 heart conditions.

at the ER...
Nurse: do you have any medical history?
Me: yeah..i have 2 heart conditions. i have MVP....
Nurse: oh..mitral valve prolapse...ok..
Me: uhhuh. i also have SVT..
Nurse: i see..intermitant pulpitations?
Me: yes...but not that recently..
Nurse (laughs): wow. you have a very "healthy" medical history for someone so young.
Me: i know.

yesterday i went to the hospital because i discovered that my urine had blood in it. i was rather freaked out. it hurt to pee!! =( i didnt know if i should go to the hospital or wait till the next day to visit the doctor. but dustin insisted that i go to the hospital. so i went...

it was a good decision. i really wasnt feeling well at all..i thought maybe i have cancer or sth. i was running a fever...and i was panicky..i started crying after seeing even more stains of blood. i called weizong so that i had someone to talk to. he wanted to take me to the hospital too...but i was afraid of going i guess. so i waited for dustin to come back..i needed someone closer to be there with me. though, weizong did give me the comfort i was seeking. =)

i used to wana be sick when i was a child...because you get to skip school!! i always see my friends stay at home cos they fall sick..but i never got to do it...so naturally, i wanted to be ill too. but now, i think it's different. i dont ever wana be sick anymore. however, i would always hafta deal with my heart problems.

"Prime"

2005-08-23T00:28:00.000-07:00

it was a good movie..a really good movie...however, i wish the ending was different. i knew it couldnt be, but my heart just wished it would. why is the world not ideal? i guess i'm just asking a rhetorical question. i should know better than to ask something like that. with ideality, there would be no heart aches, no sadness, no betrayals, nor any regrets. that painful swoon of loss in my heart wont be present anymore. if only someone or something would take it away.

love is so bitter. so strange. are you able to love someone enough to let them go? is that really possible? i'm not sure i can do that at all. i dont think i can. maybe it's because i'm young and inexperienced with love...but love to me, is selfish..why would you hurt yourself by letting someone you love go? even if it's better for him, if you let him go, can you do it? it must take alot of courage.

i'm a coward. i just cant do it. i cant imagine how she's able to watch him from behind the door and smile at him with pain in her eyes...and see him walk away. she is so strong. i will never be like her.

i hope my fate will be different from hers. i draw minor similarities in our situation...but i think her is much worse. or am i just comforting myself? denying the truth? i dont want it to end up like that. i hope i'm just being pessimistic.

2nd week of summer school

2005-08-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

summer school is really different from the normal school year..bruinwalk is void of flapping flyers, mingling people and jarring music. walkways and corridors are mostly empty in between class hours. the entire school has an almost calm and relaxing atmosphere. =) i like it..and yet, i dont like it...

apartment life is also extremely different from living in the dorms. now school is so far, i have to take a shutle. i dont have meals ready to be eaten at any time of the day. i live so far away from my friends (who usually live 2 doors down) too! it's weird to have to make an extra effort to meet up with them. on the other hand, living in the apartment gives me sooooo much space!!! it's awesome how i get to put my stuff everywhere and still have space for more! hee =P

LA is getting cold..maybe it's because japan was too hot...so now i'm not used to the cold weather. i keep having to wear pants or long skirts...cant wear mini-skirts! =( boo! hahaha

2 weeks more in singapore, 1 year in USA

2005-07-09T21:26:00.000-07:00

omg. is singapore hot or what?!??!?!?!!?!? it's so freaking HOT that i'm dying of heat!! blehz =P think i need to jump into a pool of cold water..even the swimming pool's water isnt cold enough for me..hahaha oh well, what can i say? i'm staying in the AC 24/7! hee

i have less than 2 weeks left in singapore..i cant believe it...has 3 weeks passed already?!?!! this time going to LA means staying in the US for at least a year because i bought a 1 way ticket. but that doesnt mean i'm not coming back!!! it just means..that i'm staying there longer than i've ever stayed there without coming back! haha.

i'm gona miss my family soososooo much! =( boohoo~ i miss my brother already..he's in Vienna. i'm gona miss my friends too..i'm such an emotional wreckage!! haha...thinking about it makes me feel so melancholic and UPSET!!!!!!! i'm torn between the US and Singapore! it's such a bad dilemma that it tears my heart into two. sigh..when will i ever resolve this? probably never. a part of me will always want to somewhere else. i simply have to decide which part is bigger. and ultimately, it's really not that simple. =(

jet-lagged

2005-06-21T16:09:00.000-07:00

i'm seriously jet-lagged..i sleep at 9pm every night since i've gotten back and wake up at 7am!! except today...i woke up at 6am...ahhaa *grinz* =P it's now 7am already though...spent the whole time cleaning up my mailbox. i have SO many emails!!

geli wrote to me =) and i just replied..how i wish i could be back there with everyone...getting ready to celebrate jeff's birthday..it feels like i'm always missing out when i'm back home. maybe that's why i feel left out sometimes....all my good/close friends are from the states and only i am from somewhere far away. i dont get their jokes...i've never watched their cartoons/advertisements when i was growing up....i've never been to places they have been in california. alright, i should stop whinning...this is just self-pity so just ignore me. i am gona snap out of it right now. guess i'm just not in a very happie mood.

havent seen any of my friends yet..been spending time at home and with family. but i'll be going to catch a movie with lawrence today! and guess what?!?!?! it's STAR WARS!!!!!!!! haha =P ok fine, i know it's been out since a VERY long time ago..even my bro has watched it...c'mon! what can i say? i was too busy in LA when it came out? hahaha =P so lawrence is watching it again just for my sake...yay! =) we're having lunch then catching it before it stops showing in the cinemas. hee =P and at night i'm meeting up with pearlyn and tara for dinner!

i miss the blue sky of LA...pure blue..no contamination of white clouds. the strong sun on my back, the cool breeze that lifts my hair. the warmth of someone. the diversity, the chatter. =)
i miss being american. hahaha but i am singaporean.

tiiipys?

2005-06-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

i'm druuuuuuuuuuuuunk right now! heeeeeeee =P *grinz* just kidding. blehz..i am actually just a little bit tipsy and giddy and happie. hahaahehehhehee i just gave a lap dance to my roomie and my floormate...hmmz, and i also touched her booby!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEE oh Gods. i just failed my final today...i'm quite sure i need to take the class again. F*UCK.

i started crying when my friend mark left....he's one of my floormates and i like him. so i was sad when he left. thuus, they told me to chug a bottle of smirnoff. so i did. and i had a liitlllle bit of kat's beer. it was bad..so bitter. we danced around in our room with the lights off. it was so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =P hahahahehehee we have to do that more often. i'm really upset with my final. i really dont wana retake that class..it's so difficult..it's the hardest class of my biochem major. i hate how my grades are slipping. sobsobz =( i need to do well!

i MUST! bye.

home!

2005-05-31T14:36:00.000-07:00

hee..i'm going hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome~ =P blehz. yay! i'm happie...hahaehehhee *grinz* well, i need to start studying for my finals first..and then actually sit for my damn finals.....and then cry a little bit before departing from LA.....and then fly hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome! hahaehheheh

over the weekend i went to lake arrowhead..it's a pretty little place....we stayed in a lodge meant for 14ppl...but we managed to squeeze nearly 30ppl!! hahaa =P it was quite fun! the best part of it, we didnt need to pay for it!! CSA paid for it! *grinz* it's the annual CSA retreat..so officers dont need to pay. we didnt do much...stayed up till 430am for 2 night in a row and got up to good food served by our wonderful CSA chefs! i loooove chinese food! cant wait to go home and have pepper crab! char kuay teow! mee pok! oh my gosh...but first, i gotta lose some weight. grown soooo fat this quarter!!!! sighz. have a bulging belly....humongous thighs...and a round round face! hahaha =P it's not gona help that my finals are in 2 weeks and that's when i probably eat the most! cos the brain needs SUGAR!

anyways, i'm gona be really sad when the quarter ends...so many people are graduating....even thinking about it makes me tear =( dont know what i'll do without them! (junie!!!) sobsobz. dont know if i can handle CSA on my own..but i will try my very best. hopefully everything will run smoothly. to all the officers who are retiring/graduating this year, i LOVE you! may God be with you always. dont forget to call me once in awhile to say hi cos i'm gona be lonely without YOU! *hugz* & *kisses* -your new, innocent and learning CSA president

the next few weeks..

2005-05-17T18:11:00.000-07:00

ok..so let me just say that i'm proud of the people who took my quiz so bravely!! =P but i'm even PROUDER (i know there's no such word..sue me!) of those who got 70 and above... *grinz*

>>> special note to gavin who scored 100...tikum genius!! hahahahehehhee

>>> lawchow..not bad! see, you still know me!! =)

>>> suyen..alemak!! 80 only ah...no distinction..hee..but can la...still A1 right?!! =P

>>> hmmm dustin, are you my boyfriend?!! lol..j/k how can you think i'm not easily made
>>> happie?!?!? i am!! just that..you dont know how! still got lots to learn buddy~

>>> wow jiahui..surprise surprise! hee

well, next week i've got 3 midterms!! and they're all not looking good =( after slacking off for 2 weeks, it's time for me to start getting back on track! i've literally missed 5 classes a week. which is so not cool...gona pay for it this week! =(

so i probably wont be here much..take care and remember to miss me k? *grinz*

my quiz

2005-05-15T17:01:00.000-07:00

Take My Quiz

lovely weather?

2005-05-14T16:06:00.000-07:00

OMBG. los angeles is turning into a freaking baking oven turned up to 450degrees. ok, just kidding. but still, it's so freaking HOOOOOOOOOOT. it's not steaming like in singapore...but it's scorching hot due to the direct sunlight!!! arghh. it's killing me...too hot for me to stand. but then again, now is the only time i get to wear SKIRTS!!!!!! so i guess i should rejoice..hahaha

now that i'm able to wear skirts and shorts, i can see that i've grown FAT. i need to run more..exercise more!!! tone up my (non-existent) muscles. blehz. hard work!! =( oh well, the price to stay healthy..

i had dim sum today! whopeeeeeeeeee~ it was SO GOOOD! i ate alot..now you know how i get fat. hahaa..well, i havent had it in sometime..so it was great! =P my event wasnt as disastrous as i thought it would be..so i'm happie...although the turnout wasnt that great, it's wasnt dismal. so YAY~ my event for the quarter is over..phew! what a relief!

i'm kinda thinking of joining a sorority next year..but then..i'm kinda thinking of being on the core committee of CSA too. what a dilemma! can i actually handle both things at the same time?! hmmz. i really wonder. do i really have to make a choice between both of them? =(

different realities

2005-05-11T01:03:00.000-07:00

every decision that you make moulds a different reality.

deciding to go to cambridge for summer school or staying at ucla for summer school produces 2 vastly different realities.

deciding to go shopping today or tomorrow could produce another 2 realities.

deciding to read a book might influence yet another reality.

deciding to go to sleep at 11pm or 2am will result in different tomorrows, hence even more realities.

every reality contains even more realities to be explored.

thus, realities grow exponentially as you grow older.

however, each reality is temporary.

enjoy it while you can.

my brother

2005-05-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

boy is really smart..yeah, i still call him 'boy'. haha =P habits die hard! oh well. anyways, my brother has always been smart..he didnt need to study alot to excel in school. plus he is naturally talented in music..the violin to be exact. you know, i'm talented in music too! just that it wasnt nurtured in my case. lol *grinz* =P what?!?!?! are you saying i cant sing?!??!? hee

music is the reason why my brother is entering NUS. his violin teacher wanted him to enter the singapore conservertoire in NUS so she approached the director. after the director heard my brother play, he wanted him to join immediately and thus went to speak to the dean of students. but due to the NUS policy of having to take the A-levels as a requisite to enter NUS, my brother couldnt go. my parents being rather adamant about my brother's future violin career wrote to the minister. the minister then went to talk to the dean plus the NUS people. and what do you know...WALLAH..my brother is entering NUS this july =P the first person ever to enter NUS at such a young age without having to go through O-levels or A-levels. isnt that crazy? lol

i think it's crazy sometimes. his path will be so different from everyone else's!! i'm amazed. haha..but then he'll never be able to beat me in the Os and As. hahahehehee =P i'll always be superior. blehz..juz kidding.

May

2005-05-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

wow. it's may already!! holy moly! it feels like the school year has just started..the quarter system at UCLA really speeds everything up. time passes by so quickly! i wonder what's installed for me in the summer..

i went swimming today! =) that was loads of fun..playing out in the sun is always fun. ALWAYS. haha =P but i'm so out of shape..wearing my swimming suite makes me embarassed. haha! i really need to start running. i think i'll do that at night because i just dont have time in the day...

i havent spoken to my dad in quite awhile...for the past 2 weeks i've been thinking of writing him an email to say what's up..but i never got down to doing it till yesterday. i miss being back in singapore..studying abroad is such a different experience compared to studying in singapore. at home, you take everything for granted..everything's so much more accessible and easier to accomplish. it feels like if i wana do something here, i hafta plan everything out so that nothing goes wrong. but in singapore, if something goes wrong..there's always someone you can call to bail you out. like your parents of course. haha =P i just miss the luxury of being home.

last night some of my friends went to a drinking party..well, nearly every party here is a drinking party unless you go to a club..then it's debatable. in the past, i would have definitely gone with them because i cant resist getting that feeling of high and light-headedness, and everything seems exaggeratingly funny and you're almost always happie. but last night i didnt go. i chose to stay in. i found that kinda strange when i felt that i didnt wana go...i mean..i'm the one who will never turn down a chance to go out here! but there i was..turning them down when i had nothing better to do! no midterms..no homework whatsoever. i just didnt wana drink. yeah..that's the key...i didnt feel like drinking. i havent drank in awhile now..3 months to be exact. haha =P i think dustin might have influenced me on this one. =) i dont mind...for right now. but i will never turn down clubbing and drinking at the same time. dancing with a little alcohol is more fun...it makes your actions more fluid and you are less aware of your surroundings. i like that.

midterms

2005-04-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

i just had my physical chemistry midterm today. and oh my god..it was so difficult despite it being only 3 problems!!!!!!!!!! =( i wana cry. i just sat there the entire time, with a look of slight disbelief that this is happening to me. i couldnt even write anything down!!! it will be laughable for me to even get 30/100. sobsobz! on wednesday, i went into class thinking that the midterm's supposed to be on friday, but then at the end of class, the professor was like...oh, dont forget the exam is tmr. and i was just stunned. but you know..an extra day of studying would not have helped at all because it was so conceptual and it felt like the exam was written for a math class. everything on it were proofs, nothing numerical.

tmr i have my biochem midterm which i havent started studying for. but i have lost all motivation now. because it feels like nothing can be worse than my physical chem today...so why even bother studying. i'm so tired. sighz. now i'm seriouslybeginning to doubt if i belong in my major. maybe it's too difficult for me...i dont know what to do.. =(

did i mention that my brother is entering NUS this july? yeah...i know, i was shocked when i heard that too. hahaha. now i'm envying my brother cos he totally skipped out on O-levels, A-levels and is going to college right now. but he doesnt hafta suffer, unlike me right now. my brother is the first person ever in singapore to enter NUS without taking O/A-levels, and he's only 15!!! well, turning 15. hahaha =P he's entering the same time as all the guys in my year! how weird.

ohohhh..just a thought, but thank God i'm not in NUS right now...it would have been hella strange! haha *grinz*

day to day

2005-04-20T19:10:00.000-07:00

i dont really understand why it happened. not really. i know that he tried to explain to me, and i tried to expalin to him. but the reasoning behind it doesnt seem to be good enough. i'm using the word 'good' for the lack of a better word.

we're back together again, if that wasnt obvious enough. and yes, i am happie about it. but behind that happiness, something seems lacking. i cant really place what. maybe it's because i feel that it's me who's driving the relationship. i feel that i'm the one who actually wants it to work out so badly that i'm able to resort to begging. haha.

isnt that strange? my friend reminded me that i always wanted my boyfriend to love me more, so i'll never be hurt. as he said..reality has come around and bitten me from behind.

i'm not sure how to continue from here..what to think of us...of him....sigh..maybe, i just hafta stop thinking so much. but easier said than done right? =)

i get bouts of sadness..like right now. suddenly i feel as though maybe our breakup is eminent and that gets me hella depressed and moody. i'll try to perk up abit. i promise to try. i was actually doing fine for a few days in a row already!! i just had my midterm..which i did pretty alright in...could have definitely done better, but i'm satisfied. shall work hard to do just as well for my 2 midterms next friday!! arghh.

party tmr! hee =P

again

2005-04-12T15:54:00.000-07:00

i have an invisible friend. she's not quite transparent..it's just that i dont see her very often. but i hear from her occassionally. it's a familiar voice that i seek my comfort from whenever i feel like i'm having a bad day. and once again, i had need for the safety in her voice.

that's because dustin broke up with me again. it happened 4 months ago...and now it has happened again. it's strange that both times it was always trivial arguments that got blown into something way out of proportion. but now, i know better...to me, these are small issues...but to him, they are really really big. thus, the way we handle it becomes starkly different which leads to even worse outcomes. so for the second time this year, i became desolate. however, this time i wasnt in much denial anymore. maybe it's because it's the second time, i dont know. but it felt as though there was a finality in his voice when he said, 'i'm sorry, but i cant'.

i had pushed him overboard..i thought he could take it but he couldnt. me and my nonsense! who can ever take my nonsense for that long? it was just wishful thinking on my part. plain childishness and brattiness - yes, i admit it. i'm too childish to admit that i'm stuck in my ways because i keep thinking everything will be alright in the end. but it wouldnt. i had nothing to hold on to. this was the end.

flashes of the future raced through my mind. me transferring back to NUS because i cant live here anymore without him. my relatives mocking at my weakness for going back without even finishing my degree. my parents probbing me as to what happened between us.

memories of the times we had together popped up like dandelions on a grass field. the belt that my friend was poking a hole through reminded me of how dustin's belt was always too loose for him. the cup of water that fell reminded me of the pitcher that we brought from his home in the caravan. kenny told me to live as the day comes...dont think about the future. just think about tomorrow. but when i thought about tomorrow, i remembered all the times we had lunch together...all the times he walked me back from school because i was too spoilt to walk alone at night. i couldnt stop remembering. i held in my tears as much as i could..i didnt let it all out. kenny told me that i would feel better if i did, but i told him that if i started crying then i cant stop. if i let it all out, i just want to die. but even then, i already had a ball of tissue in my hand.

i tried to go to sleep, but sleep kept eluding me. the steady breathing of my roommate simply made it worse. so i got up and my first thought would be to look for dustin, which i did. i must have called his cellphone a hundred times and knocked on his door 50 times before someone answered. it was his roommate..staring at me, red-eyed and angry. his silent retreat told me that dustin wasnt there.

mark said that i can survive this because i'm a strong and independent girl. and i said, i like to appear that way..but i dont think i'm like that on the inside. it's times like these that i try to avoid by being strong. but the stronger you are, the harder you fall.

when i was starting out on my search for dustin, he came back and i met him at the hallway. i'm such a fool for being so weak. i told him i couldnt sleep..and he said me neither, so he went for a walk. we sat in the hallway outside his room, talking. well..i was talking....about what i did and thought about when we separated. then i got carried away because i started telling him about how i remembered all the things we did together. i was shivering inside. but dont worry, i had a smile on my face all the time.

then curiously, he took my hand after i stopped talking. he said simply, 'i cant stand being without you'.

spring break

2005-04-09T01:04:00.000-07:00

however, i must tell you about my spring break though. it's one of the best times i've had in the US. =) first we drove to yosemite national park in a caravan!! that was really cool...but i didnt drive.. =P so i just sat back and navigated...we only got lost once! *grinz* so it wasnt too bad..and then when we reached yosemite...you wont believe how beautiful it is...seriously. we stopped by Bridalveil fall before we reached our camp site. it was so pretty...there were numerous rainbows surrounding the fall =) and then finally we got to our campsite and i started cooking! i cooked udon! yumyum! hee =P i love cooking! it was really really cold at night...there was snow on the ground and stuff. so you can imagine. and we had no electricity! hahah. it was such an adventure..an experience that everyone must go through i tell you.

and then the next day i made pork porridge with scrambled eggs for breakfast before setting out on various hikes. ohohhh..we saw afew coyotes! but no bears..unfortunately. hee =P we sat by the mountain side in the afternoon eating sourdough bread with ham...can you just imagine that? gorgeous scenery surrounding us as we ate..hahha can life get any better? no! *grinz* =P later that night i made fried rice for the first time! well, it's the first time i'm cooking on my own without my mom's help actually. haha...and it wasnt bad at all! i hope at least.

we left on sunday and was back at sunnyvale to rest for the night. then began our LONG drive to las vegas!!! woohoo~ i drove 6 long hours under rain and shine before we got there..haha..first time driving in the US too......it wasnt too bad..but by the time we got to las vegas, my butt was quite sore! =P and the apartment that we stayed at was brand new and fantastic!! it was humongous. i loved the kitchen..though i didnt get to cook anymore due to the many wonderful buffets there! you wont believe how much i ate!!!!! man! that's why i'm going on a diet now..hee the french buffet was totally delicious. mmmmm, the beef was so juicy! Gods, let's not even go into it...i'm getting hungry =( las vegas is such an artificial place...hahah...everything's so made up and eye-catching! it's like out to get you man. BUT...the bellagio...now, that one's just grand! remember ocean's eleven? after they got the money and were standing right infront of some fountains? i was standing right there...oh yeah! and the casino that they stole from? i was there..oh yeah! i could have been standing where brad pitt was standing man!! =P *grinz*

now let me tell you the story about my gambling. so dustin only had ONE quarter with him! and he gave it to me and was like...here, go hit the jackpot! so i was like...right on!!! =) i pulled the handle and then i thought i lost! but i didnt...i got 2 out! so i was like...cool...hhahaha but then dustin pulled me away! i'm like..come one, let's go again! so i put in the coin..but this time i told dustin to pull it instead. and he did, but we lost!!! so we were gona walk away with our ONE original quarter..but i refused! i thought we might as well finish using it up right? =) so i put it in and i pulled again....and i WON~~~~~~~~~ woohoooooooooo! guess how much i won?!?!? $2.50!! hahahaha. 10 quarters came out ok..i'm good! i have good luck! =P i should gamble somemore.

now i hafta continue..because that wasnt the end of the trip. we decided to go to grand canyon on a small plane and took a ground tour which cost us a BOMB!! however, i must say that it was well worth it. when the bus dropped us off by the west rim of the canyon, we strolled to the edge.....an involuntary gasp escaped my throat - the stark beauty of grand canyon is one of its kind. it filled me with awe because of its grandeur and the vast expanse of the formation of rocks. layer by layer, it's like the earth's story can be seen right there infront of my eyes. then we walked down into the canyon, or rather, tried to. we of course didnt manage to go down because it would have taken about 10hours! on our way down, besides the numerous mules' droppings that we could both see and SMELL, we saw the native american indians' drawings on the walls of the canyon. isnt it strange to think that a long time ago, in a completely different world, other people were resting at the same spot as i was.

it was decided that on our way back from las vegas that i would stay over at my roomie's home for a night to visit. i had a pleasant time there =) then it was back to sunnyvale again. this time around, i felt that i could truly appreciate what the bay area had to offer. it was simply relaxing just to be there for 2 nights...to soak up the air of contentment. somehow, i wasnt sure if the contentment was in me, or surrounding me. but i felt it acutely. something about being there made me satisfied and happie, like i have nowhere else i would wana be.

it felt like i could actually live there and be happie.

2005-04-08T23:56:00.000-07:00

it's extraordinary how something insignificant can make a person so happie. i dont understand how it works. at the start of school, i was apprehensive about what the new quarter will bring...more pain, pressure or submission like last quarter? however, inexplicably, i was happie - too happie almost. everytime i see him at my door, it's like the sun coming out from behing the clouds. when i watch him unabashedly while he's not looking at me, contentment resides in my heart. whenever i hear a knock, anticipation catches my breath and i smile at the prospect of seeing him. i know how cheesy this sounds..seriously, i've tried explaining it in some other way..but i just cant. i think i'm in love.

during the winter, while i was flying back home..i wondered if maybe i liked him because i've just grown accustomed to having him around so much. maybe it's because i was already together with him and there's no reason to just break up right? maybe it's because it's something that i'm simply hanging onto here to prevent me from being lost. but now i know better.

there's no explaining why i feel so delightfully glad whenever i see him except for the reason that i love him. i love every second i spend with him. i love him! and i cant help it!

now that i'm done declaring my love...you all must be assuming that i must be having the time of my life right? sometimes, yeah. but not right now. this is why: it has to do with me being in love. isnt it ironic that i should be sad when i'm happily in love? hahah..i think i've passed being sad.

loving someone places alot of pressure on that person because alot of things become dependent on that one person. whenever that person's happie, you're happie...whenever that person's sad, you're sad. that's fine with the person who's in love because you will do anything for the person you love. that's all fine and dandy....but to the person whom you love, it's just extra pressure for them to deal with. because they are in a spot! they dont want you to become so dependent on them that everything you do will affect them. however, it's impossible to separate feelings like that! it's inevitable that when you love someone, this is what happens.

i want to love him less. i want to care less. i dont want to put pressure on him at all. i want to have my own life and not intertwine it with his because, as he said, we're not married. he takes marriage so seriously. like really really seriously. anything associated with marriage is like taboo. one of my friends called her boyfriend 'lao gong' and i told him what it meant - and he was like wow..is she kidding or what? sigh. these kinda things make me upset for some reason. i dont know why.

sigh again.

2005-03-21T16:48:00.000-08:00

so my depression's over..but has the situation really changed much? No. sometimes i wonder why i was even depressed before....but whenever that happens, everything jumps right back at me. and i remember why i was depressed. it's funny why i'm not depressed anymore. i was pushed out of it? no...i pushed myself out of it. couldnt stay feeling rotten my entire life, could i? nonetheless, i'm still stuck in the same place..runing away from anything that makes me sad. if i dont face it long enough, it'll go away soon? someday? not. i wish i could start anew...have a fresh start to college life. but what would be different? nothing...so it doesnt matter..i'm just stuck here forever.

it occurred to me how mundane my life sounds/is..and yet, when you are the one going through it, none of it IS as simple as it sounds like. i want my life to be normal...not normal as in plain and unexciting....but normal enough to not hafta go through the day wondering when am i gona break down and cry again....wondering if i'm strong enough to last through the week. i really try...i do...i hate being a burden to people. but my tears seem to like my cheeks.

tell me something. anything. anything to take me away from my sadness, my problems. bring me to a place that i've never been before even if it were only in my imagination - take me away.

bathing in the sun

2005-03-15T18:03:00.000-08:00

for the 2nd day in a row, i sat on a grass patch on campus bathing in the sunlight, watching time pass me by. not once did i rush up to greet it...not once did i wonder what i was doing out there on a fresh green lawn all by myself, baking in the sun. i was happie and carefree for that mere 30minutes.

yesterday, i sat watching the sun set behind ucla..the shadows caught up with me and soon, i was no longer in the warm glory of the sun. chilling darkness swept across campus as i got up from my patch of grass, together with my boba in hand, i went away.

today, the sun shone brighter and warm than before. i laid on my patch of grass and felt my whole body soak up the peacfulness of the sun. the crisp blue sky watched over me through the budding leaves of a young tree, casting its silhouette on my face.

there was no thought in me.

i'm having a visitor soon!! =P

2005-02-25T18:53:00.000-08:00

i guess more people read my blog than i knew. thank you for all your words of encouragement..thankx tara for calling me...but forgetting the contents of what was discussed. unbelievable man. arghh. i wonder what you actually retained...anyways, thankx for your emails lawrence and pearlyn!! =) you have no idea how much it cheered me up...and touched me..so much so that i cried again. hahah i'm just a sentimental fool..just ignore me. my life is getting better..i'm out of my depression hole and i refuse to let myself go back in no matter what happens. so even if i'm all alone without anyone here, i will SURVIVE. i will make it as long as there's a smile on my face. and there is one =)

so i quit my job guys. arent you proud of me? i was finally able to let go of my job...today was my last day....i was both excited and kinda sad..i'm not quite sure what the word for it is..it's not that i loved my job or anything. but it was my first job afterall you know? and God knows i worked hard: i perspired, got burnt and all that unhappie stuff. hee =P my boss offered me another job though. it's an office job...and he was very accomodating..he said that i could work as few hours as i wanted..so i'm wondering if i should take him up on it...

and guess what?!?!??! paul is here in california! i was so shocked when he called me. that punk..didnt tell me he was coming..would have asked him to bring stuff for me. hee =P well, he still hasnt called me back yet..i hope he does though...i've been hanging onto my phone the entire day in hope that he would call. but that stupid boy hasnt!! grr. i'm really glad that he's coming to visit me....it would feel so good to see someone i'm familiar with from singapore. i'm so excited! it already feels good that he's here and coming..hahaha

irreversible

2005-02-17T20:48:00.000-08:00

something irreversible happened. something that no one can change or turn back or make amends. it is permanent and will be so forever. i have never felt something that could be so irreversible. there's no chance of going back and doing it right, doing it all over, saying sorry, explaining things, treasuring moments or living it.

this loss is so unchangeable! and it will always remain this way...i know it is part and parcel of life, but it is just too sudden and shocking. i wish it didnt turn out this way. i'm so sorrie, dustin. i really am...i know it is so much harder for you because you are so filial and good and full of hidden feelings. if it hit me so suddenly, i know it was worse for you..but i am here for you ok? remember that any time you feel that you need someone to talk to, i am just a phonecall away, 4 doors away and right beside you. =)

crying

2005-02-12T20:56:00.000-08:00

hey, since no one ever reads my blog except pearlyn and tara, i'm going to dedicate this entry to the both of you. i think i'm dying girls...my heart hurts, so badly. i feel like i'm so isolated here. i'm really lonely...it has been the worst 2 weeks of my life. first dustin and i broke up, and that just killed me. you know? i dont understand what happened. and then now, i feel like i barely have any real friends here. my exams and essays and what not also took up so much of my time. i'm just dying. my life's in such a mess right now. what am i going to do? i have nowhere to go...no one to turn to....

a week in malaysia

2004-12-28T05:17:00.000-08:00

seeing my favorite cousin was the same..the slow realization that he is there, the waywardness with which we respond to each other's presence, the shy recognition that he is right there standing 2 feet away from me. But, as usual, this was hidden by my awkward high pitched 'hieee' and his mellow 'hi'.

it was great seeing all my family members again. simply awesome! my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary dinner was a blast..we all dressed up in traditional to semi-traditional wear and stayed at this old chinese mansion thingie. it was quite chill. *grinz* =P they had the lion dance welcome my grandparents and then dinner in the courtyard. it was followed by a powerpoint presentation showing my ahkong when he was young and how he used to own many trading ships and stuff like that. then entered my ahma who married my ahkong and how they had SUPER many kids!! 11 children..one/two in a year! how crazy is that?!! haha. and then their kids grew up and had kids of their own, and we started guessing who each kid was. =) i love my family! they are so fantastic..with weirdness and loudness in all their glory!

the next day was my cousin's wedding dinner. it was a nice and small affair at a grand hotel. i feel so happie for her...her husband is such a nice guy..he went through so much for her, and still he lets her have her way all the time. he is so understanding! he is an indian, and he had to go through all the traditional wedding rites like serving tea and going thru obstacles to get to the bride. i mean, hell, it was fun for the rest of us..but he was all alone with no one to help him out! i admire him for his love for tzeyuin, and am envious that he is willing to do these things for her and much more. well, the next day they had a punjabi wedding too. she was dressed in a bright red punjabi wedding gown which looked absolutely gorgeous on her! and we all dressed up in punjabi style too =) it was really fun..

on christmas day, we took the ferry to langkawi for a short trip. it was loads of sunshine and laughter. i am SO tan now!! i've become at least 5 shades darker...
it was sweltering there..seriously. it was so hot that i fell sick and had a fever and a cold. =( but i still went swimming and whatnot. i simply couldnt resist!!

however, who was to know that the very next day - tragedy struck. a huge earthquake shook the ground off the coast of aceh (indonesia), and it caused tsunamis that sped radially outwards towards land. penang, langkawi, aceh, the maldives, sri lanka, india, somali, thailand, myanmar and the nicobar islands were all hit. the destruction it caused was devastating...the number of people it killed was staggering. it was the very first time i was so close to a natural disaster.

i'm so lucky to be alive. we were supposed to go snorkelling on that day, but it was fully booked so we were scheduled to go the next day. my cousin's ferry docked half an hour before the tsunamis hit. thank God for keeping us safe. we were really lucky..it was such a close shave...too close for comfort.

pray God help all those who are affected by this terrible disaster.

maybe because of this disaster, i cherished my family even more..and i was sad to leave them. my family left on the 27th, a day earlier than the rest of my relatives...and while saying goodbyes, i felt the familiar rush of uncontrollable warmth and emotions for my grandmother and all my relatives. i love them..and life is so unpredictable...things change so rapidly. it is unpredictable and irreversible. one minute - everything is within your grasp. the next minute - something unimaginable might have happened and it's too late. so i cried, because i dont know what might happen to them..i dont know if i would be able to see them again...

the brief 2 days in singapore

2004-12-28T04:55:00.000-08:00

it's been a week and half since i've been back in singapore..and i havent updated my blog yet!!!! hee..so that's why i'm here now. *grinz* =P

since i touched down in changi airport, i've been filling my time by going out with friends. i met suyen, emilia and huimin first. it's so nice to just hang out like old times..us going to emilia's house...or them coming to my house. but stupid emilia permed her hair which took 4 freaking hours and we had to wait for her!!!! wth right? precisely! at least, we hanged at my house and played pool.

and then i met pearlyn and tara the next day..guess what we did? we ate japanese food at sushi tei! AGAIN. hahaa =P it seems like pearlyn and i have a tendency to eat at sushi tei.. =) it feels good catching up with them...knowing about what has happened in their lives and telling them what has been happening in mine. tara was LATE again. whatz new man. we were supposed to meet at 1pm...but you know what time she woke up?!??! 330pm. this is what we call asian time in america. haha. stupid tara. oh, but scolding aside, i wanted to say thank you to both of you for my birthday presents =)

i was leaving early the next day for malaysia (penang)..so gavin decided to ask me out. we met outside my house and had coffee bean. we talked about how girls are silly because they get mad at weird things. *grinz* =P what can i say? i'm guilty of that. and then seng surprised me by turning up outside of my house...hee..but poor him, i wasnt there so he had to walk all the way out to look for us. it's great hanging out with old friends! the ease with which we talked, the degree of comfort with which we felt..it was just a normal meeting...nothing special, nothing grand. just pure conversation over coffee in the middle of the night (11pm) - but it was awesome. it must be our chemistry. what can i say? that's my major. hahahaehehehee

the past week

2004-12-15T22:00:00.000-08:00

i cant believe my birthday's over and i'm 20. 20!!! gosh. i'm finally out of my teens...ohhh the horror! hahah *grinz* =P i love being a teenager..but i think i'm ready to try how the 20s feel like. =) look out world, here i come!

so the past week was a whirlwind of studying...it's morning: wake up, study. it's lunch: eat, study. it's dinner: eat, study, then sleep. and repeat above procedure for the next week everyday! you know, despite all that studying, i still failed my exams. finals were really difficult for me this time...goodbye to my gpa booster this quarter! gosh darn it. what happened to this quarter!! i was supposed to do really really well because i only took 3 classes!!! ARGHH. fine, i was lazy. but i've always been lazy. ok..so this time i went overboard, and plus i worked. dustin thinks working next quarter will kill me. i'm thinking it will too because the classes i'm taking are really tough and i'm taking 4 classes again. we'll see...i kinda need the money

dustin is the sweetest guy ever! no, i'm NOT kidding..he really is!!! he's not very smooth because he cant lie for nuts....but he's the most sincere person i have ever met in my entire life. and i thank God for him. i thank God that i met him, and i thank God that he loves me. =) hee
let me tell you what he did for my birthday.........so it wasnt a big splash party with brad pitt, neither was it a horribly expensive but pretty gift, nor was it a big fat cake with lotsa chocolate on it. he gave me a book. wait - not just any ordinary book, he gave me a book filled with pictures of UCLA, us, my friends and things. he went to all the trouble to contact my friends at UCLA to get them to sign and write sth on the book for me for my birthday. isnt he just the best? omg..i was so touched that i cried.

i know, i'm a horrible emotional disaster!!!

my best roomie in the world made me SEARCH for my present! she was like...happie birthday ling! and she passes me the card. "open it" so i open it and then it says..now you hafta look for your present. i'm like....wha??! so i went on a birthday present hunt which entailed me lying on dustin's bed, going to inyoung's room under the pink christmas tree, searching under my OWN bed...and guess where the present was? taped under my chair. it was so fun!! =)

today, bonnie asked me out to a dinner date at the dining hall...so i went down, only to find the entire CSA crew there!! hee =P what a surprised. i miss them..havent seen them for such a long time now. then we had dinner...and we played with our food =P mike's pepsi had ketchup, pepper, salt and apple juice. when he came back, i was like...let's toast to my birthday! *grinz* =P i thought i was smart..but i guess mike's smarter. hahaha
after dinner, they surprised me with a birthday cake, some of which landed on my face...but otherwise it was a great tiramisu cake!!!! =) i loved it! yay for calories. it felt like there were so many candles on it...too many........hahaa
then when we said our final goodbyes for the quarter, i cried. again. i know, i told you! EMOTIONAL DISASTER!!!!!!!!!!!

you know what? i dont care. call me childish..i love my friends and i cant bear to part with any of them(lousy kenny didnt say bye to me...HURT!!). on the same note though, i'm so excited about going back home to see all my relatives because of the HUGE reunion in penang, and seeing all my dear friends in singapore. i miss you guys terribly much!! i hope you havent forgotten me..
i love you! will see you in abit =)

what am i?

2004-12-05T22:18:00.000-08:00

i wanted to talk about friends, but i wana talk about my bipolarity. no wait, i wanted to talk about my lack of will and determination. hmm, i wanted to talk about life. but i forgot about family. so what do i wana talk about?

sometimes, i hate myself to a very extreme degree..i feel disgusted with myself for being who i am. sometimes, i think i'm going crazy for hating myself so much. sometimes, i think i'm nice. but generally, i think i'm going crazy - like how i want to laugh at myself for wanting to cry.

maybe that's where my time went.

2004-12-05T22:06:00.000-08:00

where did my time go? lately, as the quarter ends, i find myself soaked up in a continuous stream of activities ranging from day-dreaming, working, doing homework, quarreling, eating and sleeping. i know it's not a storm of fast paced, exciting life, but it's mine.

despite my mundane lifestyle, i find myself busy. busy enough to not have gone online for a long time..even if i have, it was brief and short-lived - the last time i went online was to write tara an email wishing her a happie birhtday. i barely chat online anymore, barely check my email anymore...that's probably why i feel like i havent heard from people back home in such a long time! =( work fills in all the gaps of my time between classes, which is when i actually chat and check emails..and fighting, God knows, takes a hella long time. getting upset and crying my heart out also takes a hella long time. maybe that's where my time went. all the rest, i used to contemplate my miserable life after i graduate.

end of quarters are always a mad rush for me..rush to study for finals, rush to finish a paper, rush to pack and go home, rush to say my goodbyes, rush to spend time with people. rush rush rush rush. that's why i'm always occupied despite not being terribly busy. maybe that's where my time went.

i hate quarters to end. it's probably the worst time in school for me. it's the dilemma of wanting to go home and staying here.

the trip up Mammoth

2004-11-29T19:54:00.000-08:00

think beautiful scenery, mountain high slopes, FREEZING cold weather, LOTS of snow and a LOONG drive. that is Mammoth for you.

i went up to Mammoth for thanksgiving break..and it was so much fun! =) i love snow...hee i doubt the guys like snow much because they were the ones who were outside trying to fix on the snowchains to the tires of the car. and man, did they take a long time. i guess it must have been really difficult to put on. those poor things, they were freezing their butts off trying to keep us safe from the drive back home. they came in shivering uncontrollably, hair full of snow, gloves soaked in icy water and ears almost falling off from frostbite! what would we do without guys? hahah =P but wait, what would they do without girls too? we gave them our water-proof gloves, dried their jackets and gloves for them, boiled hot water for them, and thanked them.

skiing is great. it's such a wonderful sport, being able to go down a mountain at such high velocity, while revelling in the incredible view of the valleys and plains that stretched as far as the eye could see. the scenery was truly amazing..the rolling white clouds against the stark blue sky and bright sunshine pouring down from above. it's hard to describe such a feeling - such a view. BUT, yours truly only got to enjoy that once...because yours truly was too scared to go on the high slopes. i realized that i'm really afraid of heights. like really really REALLY afraid. we made a mistake by going up on the ski lift that we thought would take us to another station to eat lunch, and instead we ended up on a high mountain and there was no other way of going down except by skiing. so i was stuck up there for a long time whinning about how i couldnt make it down and that i was gona crash and die. meanwhile, the howling wind was blowing me down the slopes. yeah, it was that strong. in the end, i could only take off my skiis and walk down part-way and then ski the rest of the way. dustin must have been so embarassed of me. he's such a crazy skiier! he went on all the SUPER advanced stuff and didnt even fall! yeah i know, i was actually hindering him the whole time he was with me. =(

thanksgiving dinner was nice..we had steamboat and 2 turkeys. *grinz* we had that many people! there were about 32 of us altogether. next year, i wana cook my own thanksgiving dinner. actually..i just wana cook my own dinners in general...i cant wait! =)

so on our way back from Mammoth, we were caught in a snowstorm..seriously, you can hardly see infront of you. the snow was coming down like no other! but it was such a cool experience though. i love snow..hee =P my friend was driving and the car was travelling at the same velocity even when he didnt step on the accelarator. and the wind was so strong that the car couldnt go in a straight line. isnt that so crazy?!?!!! coming to think of it, we could have died..but here i am, alive and safe...so i'm looking forward to the next trip! =)

LA is becoming colder..it's really really cold now...i need to bust out my scarfs and more sweaters before i freeze up in class. okiez, this is a long entry. blehz...gotta go! byeee

singapore

2004-11-21T01:28:00.000-08:00

lately, i've been having bouts of home-sickness and tendencies to cry. it's when you feel you're about to start crying - that shiver in your heart, that little sob stuck in your throat, that prick in your eye and a teardrop starts at the corner of your eye - but instead of letting it out, you stifle it and keep it within you so that people around you wont notice.

i dont know why i'm feeling this way...it probably has to do with talking to everyone back home and that recent heart "attack". i feel more vulnerable and fragile than usual. i miss the convenience and warmth of home and the comfort of my friends. i miss you guys so much..oh Gods, i'm gona really start crying soon. so i shall stop now..byeeee!

a few thank yous

2004-11-19T13:49:00.000-08:00

sometimes i feel like i'm a burden to everyone. i'm troublesome, whinny and demanding. what happened yesterday made me feel really bad. geli, inyoung and mark had to come down to campus just because of my heart and were all ready to take me off to the hospital. i'm sorry..

But - thankx goes out to geli for being so caring and concern about me and putting one foot into the hospital already.

thankx goes out to inyoung for insisting that i wear her jacket, but unappreciative me didnt want to dirty it because i was sweaty.

thankx also to mark for giving me his sweater so that i wouldnt have frozen to death out in the cold.

oh, thankx to kenny for saying that if anyone dares to laugh at me for breaking down infront of my class, he would beat them up.

really, thank you..you guys make me feel loved in the US...it's like i have my own family here =)
finally, sorrie dustin for making you run from your class and worrying about my condition. and thankx for putting up with my lousy conditions. haha
*muax* and *hugz* to all of you, my dear friends of D6!!!! love you.

flaws in my heart

2004-11-18T23:41:00.000-08:00

i was scared today..my heart was beating at a rate of nearly 300pulpitations per minute. it continued for 40minutes, alternating between fast and normal paces. i called dustin numerous times, but i kept getting the voicemail. i had difficulty breathing..and my head hurt. i was slightly worried. so i called my roomie(geli) to tell her about it and she insisted that i go to the hospital. and she came down with 2 other friends to bring me there.

i was scared. i dont like being in a hospital..so guess what i did? i cried. i bawled like a baby on geli's hand and sobbed that i didnt wana go to the hospital. i'm such a baby...seriously. cant believe i cry over such little things. so they helped me out of the gym to go to the UCLA hospital, and that's when dustin came running over. i did not wana go to the hospital because i didnt wana miss my CHEM lab..and also because i dont like hospitals. hee =P so we decided that i should talk to my CHEM TA about it.

i took forever to walk to the lab. and when i went in there, all i could manage was "Yaroslav, i dont think i can.." and then i started sobbing and heaving and i couldnt breathe and i couldnt speak. this was infront of the entire class mind you. it was embarassing. so dustin did all the talking for me and he said i can go. thank God, because i still wasnt feeling well at all..my heart felt so tired and strange.

isnt life so fragile and uncontrollable sometimes? it's like you dont realize it because we're all young and we think we're invincible. i think of death as something far away that isnt an issue to be concerned with as of yet...but more recently(since this summer after fainting), i realize that life is so preciously fragile. anything can happen to anyone anytime. an hour before, you're healthy, happie and full of life. an hour later, suddenly, you lost whatever that you had before and life is no longer in your hands. how fast things can change.

one moment i might be here with you, and the next i might be dead and gone. the speed of a bus, the electricity of lightning, the waves of seawater, the deformation of a heart. my heart. then i would no longer be with you again...